Effort

 Sometimes I think life comes down to effort. Like, it is all well and good to care as I was talking about in a previous post but the reality of life comes down to the effort you put in. This is kind of related to what I was talking about in another previous post that sometimes it seems like the follow up is more important than the absolute level of your move. It seems like somehow that has been a persistent problem in my life. Just somehow deciding that things aren't worth the effort. I think related to this is some kind of fantasy that I will find something like a hobby or a profession or a calling of some kind where either no effort will be required or like somehow I will be magically transformed so the effort won't seem like effort anymore.

I think this is true but it is kind of complicated by mental illness. Sometimes I feel like I am just lazy to the bone. Sometimes I feel like I am struggling with more challenges than a lot of other people. Sometimes my mental health diagnoses feel like something I need to accept and recognize as complicating my situation and sometimes they feel like an excuse that keeps me sick.

I have made an effort at times in my life. So it is not like I am a total failure or anything. I have accomplished things that took real effort. And I continue to make an effort in my life to try to maintain my position in my family and in society. But there also seems to be some sense that I give up too easily at stuff I profess to care about.

Sometimes I feel like I need to figure out what my calling is and if I can just do that then everything will fall into place. But sometimes that just seems like a bad case of analysis paralysis.

But extending the metaphor of game for life, there are a lot of times in games where you have to cut your losses. It's really a fine balancing act. When do you push through the difficulties and when do you yield and live to fight another day? Part of games is having the spirit to fight for what you want but another important part is being realistic about your chances of achieving some goal and being flexible to give up on an approach that isn't working and to try a different approach.

I guess there are no easy answers. It's tempting sometimes to brand myself as the laziest of the lazy and the weakest of the weak who gives up at the least sign of effort. I also sometimes go on ego trips where I am an amazing hero who has overcome overwhelming odds to succeed where others have failed and the President wants to congratulate me on my success. The reality is somewhere in the middle. The reality is that I could probably stand to have some more stick-to-it-ness but at the same time it is wise to pick ones battles and to have a refined sense of when something is worth the effort and when it should be discarded.