Professional vs Amateur

 Yesterday I was daydreaming about being a full-time content creator. Somehow it felt fun and exciting to think about that. But it is hard to tell how serious I am about it.

I really feel mixed about my actual real world job of teaching English to adults. Basically for the most part it is a pretty low stress job. I have a core group of three students that I get along with well and that make the job enjoyable a good part of the time. In some ways it feels really good to have a clear cut division between a job and a hobby. As jobs go it is really not all that bad and I like it significantly better than the main alternative of teaching kids. It also pays ok compared to my needs and compared to other kinds of jobs that I could actually get. On the other hand there is some feeling of like just getting by. Like some feeling of like not actually directing my life. Kind of just going with the flow. Part of me really feels like I would like to be more directed and like actually pursue my passion and try to find a way to do something that I really feel excited about and like I am actually living my life. Like part of me doesn't want to be stuck in this job and have no alternatives.

I guess it is just kind of difficult because partly it seems like I have to be realistic. I need an income. I also feel like to some extent I just have a mental block when it comes to work. I don't really like working. Part of me feels like if I chose to be a content creator and really got into it then it would become a job and I would start to dislike it and feel burdened by the things I had to do and start wishing I could do something else. That is kind of what I mean by having a clear cut division between work and play. Like for example it seems like I have a common habit of setting myself projects and then very quickly developing resistance to actual following through on it. That is just a funny quirk if I have a job and my projects are just for fun but it is an existential threat if I am trying to base my life on these projects.

 Part of me feels like being a full time content creator is kind of a daydream. Like it is kind of like watching a baseball game and daydreaming about being some MVP player. It is totally unrealistic. I also sounds good in theory but the reality of the situation is quite difficult. It seems like it would be fun to be a full time content creator but the reality is that there are a lot of problems and difficulties.

But on the other hand, I kind of feel like I will never know if I don't try it. I also don't have to go all in and quit my day job and then try to go super hard core. I can kind of try to work on it gradually and move in that direction and try some things and see what develops.

I guess I also feel mixed on the time front. Part of me feels like I am super on track and like my whole life has kind of been a gradual process of getting closer and closer to what I really want to be doing. But part of me feels like I am getting old and I am running out of time.

I think the main take away is just that I kind of like the idea of being a content creator but I have to sort of work on it in my spare time for the time being. But probably I should be more proactive and kind of try to take some more steps.