The problem with fun

 Sometimes it pisses me off how complicated it is for me to have fun. What I mean is that I definitely have fun sometimes but there is no rhyme or reason to it. The thing I have a lot of fun doing one day seems like ashes or poison the next day.

A big challenge is the duality between being intentional about fun and being spontaneous. And I just struggle a lot to get the balance and it just seems like I can't get it a lot of times. Part of me believes that I should be super intentional about my fun and have projects and goals. Another part of me believes that all that stuff is the problem and I should just do as I please in the moment.

The reality is probably somewhere in between. Like if I just try to do what I feel then a lot of times I just end up journaling because I don't really have any idea what I feel like doing. Or I just kind of flop around doing a bit of this and discarding it. So some kind of direction and goals and making decisions and sticking to them is probably needed. But at the same time I feel like if I take those goals too seriously and get kind of grim about "I need to finish game x" or "I need to accomplish goal y" then I lose the spirit and I don't want to play any more.

There is just this issue of resistance. Somehow I often feel like I want to make a plan or a goal or a project. These always seem brilliant when I form the intention. But then quickly I develop some resistance to that intention. So the question is always do I force myself to overcome the resistance or do I believe that it is telling me something important. I feel like the thing that pisses me off is that there is no easy answer. Sometimes the resistance is just some kind of psychological barrier and if I overcome it then I will have fun. But other times the resistance is a result of something and when I try to force my way through it just feels terrible.

Right now I am kind of on the intentional side of things. Part of me wants to make "decisions" and stick to them. But I guess part of me feels like there is something about resistance being important. So part of me feels like that is a difference. Part of me feels like there is something about forming intentions and not giving up on those but at the same time listening to resistance and kind of not trying to force myself.

 Sometimes I think I am crazy for having these kinds of problems. But on the other hand I also come across a lot of Youtube videos and blog or forum posts addressing these kinds of problems. I don't know. Sometimes it just seems like the answer is that life has no easy answers and whatever you do there is going to be resistance and ups and downs.