Scope creep

 One thing I have noticed about my projects is that a lot of times they suffer from two problems that are related. They are overly ambitious and they have a lot of scope creep. What I mean is that I will start by saying something like “I want to read this book” or “I want to play that game”. That quickly will morph into, “I should read all books / play all games of that type.” and pretty soon that will morph into, “I should be a universal genius who knows everything.”

This is a recurring problem. It also might have something to do with the whole problem of switching obsessions all the time. So right now I am kind of wanting go to be the focus but I am trying to keep that project really low key in a way. I have been reading some go books and playing some daily games but I am trying to steer clear of big goals like “I need to become a 9 dan professional go player.”

I have also gotten interested in reading sci-fi again. So I have read a few of those lately. But it has been pretty casual and I am just kind of reading when I feel like it and not stressing out too much. I am kind of interested in reading some classics / award winners but I am not making a big project.

I have also felt my interest for video games come back some. So I have decided to play Baldur’s Gate 3 which is a super popular and critical success. So, again, trying not to make a big project or whatever but just playing the game and seeing how I feel about it.

Artist AND Grinder

Basically I think there are two aspects to playing go (I really mean for many games but I am on the go trip now so I will frame it that way). There is the artist and there is the grinder. The artist is the one who has interesting ideas and new ways of looking at old patterns. In some ways the artist is responsible for the deep meaning of a game. But the grinder is absolutely necessary. It is crucial to drill tactics and to play many games, to memorize opening sequences and stuff like that. The grinder is responsible for competence in a sense that is utterly alien to the artist.

So what I find is that the artist in many ways just wants to wing it in games. He just wants to try new things and experiment. This is totally great and valuable part of learning. The artist side can be great. But in some ways the artist side is just totally incompetent. Moments of genius are followed by howlers. (This is kind of what I was talking about in a previous post when I was talking about the importance of the follow up and a mediocre move with a solid follow up is better than a great move with a bad follow up).

But the grinder is good at building that competence. The grinder is willing to grind tactics problems to get better. But the downside of the grinder is that in some ways when I follow that, the game loses meaning and just gets into dry, repetitive, boring, mechanism.

The problem for me in the past is that I have kind of had a bad pattern that when I would feel the need of one or the other it would come with condemnation of the other. So when I got burned out on repetitiveness or the meaningless of studying openings I would blame that whole way of approaching the game. And the same thing on the flipside. When I would lose a game on a blunder or because of something mechanical I would blame my incompetence on a kind of whimsical nature that doesn’t get down to brass tacks.

So my kind of realization recently has just been clearly seeing things in terms of these two characters and seeing that I need them to cooperate and harmonize rather than squabbling.

But another dimension of this insight is that it also plays out in my day to day life. There is a grinder who gets up and goes to work and there is an artist who wants to chase butterflies and rebels at having to do stuff.

There is a further twist though that I feel like growing up my parents were profoundly neglectful of the grinder side. I think that is a big reason why I have been fascinated my whole life by things like math, logic, and chess and go. These are places where the grinder is absolutely necessary. My parents did model some of the grinder in that they were responsible adults who got up and went to work. But they totally failed to teach me the practical aspects of getting stuff done and being responsible. They left me to my own devices a lot and as a result I have had lifelong problems with performing consistently or responsibly.

So I feel like although my parents (particularly my mom) cultivated my artistic side, they did so in a way that neglected practical skills even for writing or art. Like I say, I feel like this has a lot to do with why I have sought out more grinder dependent activities because that is a crucial part of life and in fact of any endeavor that I just didn’t get.

But in some ways although I sought out the grinder it was something I didn’t know how to integrate. So I tend to go to excess. I either value the grinder too much and disdain the artist as living in cloud cuckoo land or I want to throw everything over and rush to embrace meaning and artistry without the tools to actually reach the depths.

So, somehow I think this is kind of an important aspect of life but also particularly of games. Basically seeking out a way of integrating these two things so that life doesn’t feel like a dull meaningless grind, but on the other hand learning to perform responsibly so I am not always having to clean up major messes brought on by my inability to perform consistently.

There are two other aspects I want to touch on. One is the emotional side of go and the other is the idea of focus vs seeking inspiration elsewhere.

In terms of emotional aspects, I feel like the artist is responsible for big swings. The artist gets fired up with passion and excitement. But on the other hand, the artist can take losses so painfully that he doesn’t want to play for risk of feeling so bad. The grinder is in some ways much lighter emotionally. The grinder is able to see that a loss is just a step on the path. The grinder doesn’t have the same intense perfectionism. It is kind of a “good enough” mentality. Again, both are valuable. If losses aren’t painful at all then in some ways the depths of the game are lost. (I am reminded of the end of Kawabata’s “Master of Go” where he plays a westerner on a train and the westerner loses game after game but just wants to keep playing. Kawabata turns it into a racial thing that says this is why westerners will never get the spirit of go.) But at the same time, building competence necessarily involves treating losses lightly and just keep hitting the bag.

The other issue is this issue of like focus vs outside things. This is another thing that has been profoundly problematic for me. My whole life I have craved some kind of deep competence at something. I think this is another reason why things like chess and go resonate with me. It is because there is a really clear sense of competence involved in these games that is measurable with a rating or ranking. Art is really messy, particularly modern art where a lot of the traditional hallmarks of competetence were thrown overboard. But competence involves focusing on something and practicing and like consistently building skills over long time periods. That is something it is very difficult for me to do. There is just this part of me that always ends up wanting to chase random butterflies and so I will I will pick something up and get enthusiastic and passionate but ultimately it is kind of an empty or shallow kind of passion because it tends to wilt as soon as it becomes clear that hard work is involved so then the grass will seem greener elsewhere. So this is the profound problem. I feel like my grinder side really wants consistency and like long-term focus because that kind of competence feels profoundly important. But the artist side needs variety and like other stuff. But the artist side tends to get fascinated with each new thing and to pull me away from what I have set out to do because that old things starts to feel dull and lifeless. So in some ways I have overcorrected on either side. At times I have tried to eliminate all outside influences so I could focus and develop the basic skills. But then in some ways I have gone to the opposite extreme and chased variety and perpetually shifting enthusiasms. The problem is that both of these extremes are profoundly meaninglesss and despair inducing. So it is really difficult to find a way to stay on topic with something such as go so that I can actually practice enough and like learn enough to develop that competence while at the same time giving my artist room to breathe and a variety of influences that will drive inspiration without constantly being pulled away from whatever I was last doing.

I guess I touched on it briefly but in some ways I guess I would say that my answer to the problem of meaning is developing something. Investing in some kind of project. The meaning isn’t inherent in the project but comes from the care and attention and practice you put into the project. You develop the meaning as you go along. This true of almost any art or craft. But again, I insist that both the grinder and the artist are crucial to the development of meaning.

Update 15

 Sorry I have let the blog slide… just been kind of busy… been working close to 20 hours a week which for teaching is a full time load.

On the gaming front though I have gotten really into go again. I started by beginning a correspondence game on OGS. But pretty quickly I moved into a variety of activities. I have been playing over games from the book Invincible. This a real classic of the English language go world. It is a compilation of commentaries by Japanese pros on the games of Shusaku. Shusaku is one of the best players of the old times (he lived in the 1800s). He is often described as a go saint. This is due to a combination of his extreme skill but also for his behavior. He was modest and actually died because he got sick after nursing the other students of his go family during a cholera outbreak. This was despite the fact that his teacher urged him not to do it. He stands in stark contrast to the scheming and double crossing of Jowa who used to be known as a go saint also but despite his strength has fallen out of favor.

I also have been reading my Yuan Zhou books again. Yuan Zhou is a very strong amateur. He is Chinese and had some training as a candidate to become a pro or something similar but emigrated to the US. He is an electrical engineer by trade but also writes go books and gives lessons and plays in tournaments in the US. The thing I like about his books is that they are really good at conveying the story of each game. He is really able to communicate a narrative of the game that includes the players preferred styles and the flow of the game. He doesn’t really go super deep in the variations but I appreciate that. He gives just enough of those to give you a feeling of the thought processes. Sometimes I feel like (based on my experience with a lot of game commentaries) he is kind of superficial and probably his narratives are too clear and hide a lot of complications. But I don’t really care. I really enjoy reading his books.

The first Yuan Zhou book I read (this time around) was The New Territorial Style. I read this one before but didn’t remember much about it. As usual his books inspire me and make me want to get better at that style. But of course, I already lean toward the territorial style. So you might wonder what it means to have terrritorial style since go is a game of territory. Well in go there are some different styles just like in chess. There is a rough division between territorial players and players who prefer influence or thickness. Obviously, the thickness players have to convert to territory later on. So what is thickness? This is building strong positions that can be used for fighting or to force the opponent to make concessions. It’s just a different emphasis. But really there are different styles. The territorial style is one that prefers to take solid territory from early in the game.

The Yuan Zhou book I am going through now is about Park Junghwan’s games with Ke Jie. Park was the top Korean player and in fact world number 1 for awhile. Ke Jie is Chinese and was also world number one for a while. So their games were pretty great. Sometimes it makes me sad how quickly things change at the top but that is just sports for you.

I have also been doing a good number of tesuji problems and life and death problems. Life and death problems are ones where you have to find a way to make a group live (get two eyes) even when it is closely surrounded by the enemy. These are kind of the classic problem style. Tesujis are special moves that are usually a bit counter-intuitive but are extra effective. These can involve more general sorts of situations as there can be tesujis for a wide variety of circumstances.

I also own some Chinese language go books. I have tried translating these by hand but the process is pretty painful since my Chinese is not really great. But AI makes the process much easier. So I have long felt that go books might be a way for me to sustain my interest in learning Chinese if I could find a method of engaging with them that was satisfying. So, AI is cool because it can do a good job with translation but it can also construct lessons based on the pages it is translating… so I can learn Chinese through go books!

Update 14

 In some ways I haven’t been super active on the games front lately. Part of that is just dealing with some stuff on the work front related to changing jobs. I have also been reading some sci fi books instead of spending time on gaming. The new job situation seems to be going ok. I have been guilty of procrastinating a number of things but I got some of that stuff done this week. I went to a training session this last Tuesday. I actually start this next Monday. My boss has offered to do some lesson planning with me for a good chunk of time before my first class. Overall I am excited and looking forward to it but also nervous.

So what have I been doing on the gaming front.

-have played Commander a few times with the twins. My deck seems to be doing well and I won one time and seem to more of a threat to win the game than I was in the past.

-I finished working on my character for solo play with the Witchcraft RPG. I am fairly happy with the character. I think that is one of the things about using a game system to make a character as opposed to just writing whatever you feel like. The game system introduces limits. You can’t do everything you want to do. Especially for a new character. In some ways this is more interesting than just making up a character because often with making up a character what you produce doesn’t really match the potential of what you envisioned but at the same time you are not negotiating with some specific constraints. With the specific constraints of the game system it feels like what is produced is better in way than what I would produce on my own.

-I also developed an idea for a character in a solo Shadowrun 3rd edition game. I started working on the character and have a solid concept and have made some progress with the actual stats and toys.

-I have been collecting some roleplaying pdfs from drivethrurpg. These make a good reward for getting through some tough stuff because there are plenty that are reasonably priced.

-I played a session of best of 3 pioneer on Arena. It was on the ranked ladder. I used a blue-white control deck that Chatgpt brewed for me. I lost both matches but I have been pretty much in beginner mind with this particular format.

-I have also been watching some baseball from time to time.

Beyond that I have been doing some things that I hope will have an impact on my gaming but are sort of outside the scope of that.

-as I mentioned I have been reading some sci fi. I guess I would like to think that I am gaining some inspiration for my own solo rp and world building. I really haven’t read much fiction in the last 10 years although I have read some. It has been feeling good to get into it and I feel happy to have a bit more of a target in terms of looking at sci-fi.

-I have continued to think about the concept of value and how it applies to various aspects of my life. One of the things I have been wanting to do is more wheeling and dealing. A perfect opportunity came up recently. My wife bought a new ipad some time back. It is a powerful model but in many ways she has been disappointed with it because she has had serious problems with the multi-tasking abilities. I on the other hand have been wanting some kind of e-reader but was sort of wanting an ipad because I have books in a variety of apps at least one of which is only on ios. I was able to read books on my macbook air but I didn’t often do it because it doesn’t feel that comfortable to lay in bed with a laptop. I have experience reading with an ipad and like it but my old one is at the end of its life. So I proposed a trade with my wife and she agreed. Another wheeling and dealing thing I did was to take a bunch of old cds and dvds that my wife didn’t want anymore up to this used media store I know. I didn’t get a whole lot for them but I was able to get 5 cds I was interested in and a little bit of cash. It’s better than them just getting thrown out. I intend to keep looking for opportunities like this. It reminds me a bit of a story I read one time about a guy who started out with a red paperclip and traded up until he had a house. Everything I saw made me believe it was a true story.

World Anvil

 There is a website that I have been using for awhile but unfortunately only sporadically but which I am trying to engage with more.

It is called World Anvil and it is a website that is designed to help people, whether they are writers or dungeon masters, create the people and worlds and lore that they want to inhabit.

My profile 

Unfortunately my worlds are not that developed yet but I thought I would link to my profile and hopefully I will work on them more.

The website is interesting. In some ways there are a lot of features but they often aren't very intuitive and there is a definite learning curve to using the site. So it can be a bit frustrating to use but I am gradually kind of learning more about it.

I guess my one other complaint with the site is that it does kind of have more of a slant toward fantasy worlds. It is of course possible to work around this slant and there are some features for sci-fi authors or for other kinds of worlds but it is something that needs to be worked around a bit.

 

Consistency is the hobgoblin of mediocre minds

I guess I have to put myself firmly in the camp of mediocre minds in that regard. I have had an obsession with finding some one calling or one identity that I could get ahold of and then base my entire life around. I think this has to do with a variety of things.

The way I actually work in real life is that I have a lot of different parts of me that have different feelings about almost everything I am involved with. Those parts can be louder or quieter at different times.

 The problem comes from this disconnect. Basically wanting to be a total consistent, unified person on the one hand but in actuality being a fragmented and inconsistent person.

Of course in some ways I have had to learn to be more consistent. There are certain things in life that you have to be consistent about. These could range from showing up at work when I am supposed to or being involved in a relationship where some degree of consistency is required.

But I feel like with regard to my various pursuits I have for a long time wanted to find one specific pursuit that I could be obsessive about and excel at. But the reality is that I just don't work that way.

I have already developed and continue to make more characters that I use in solo role playing but which also represent parts of me. Some of these characters represent my engagement with various games. Some represent other aspects.

But even in this realm the specter of consistency raises its head. Somehow I also feel conflicted about having a unified narrative vs many independent threads that may connect but also may be at odds. Often when it comes to fandoms, people obsess about the consistency of the lore and point to any inconsistencies as evidence of poor craftsmanship. But part of me feels like I would like to get away from that perspective.

 So I guess in some ways I am leaning towards having a large and messy meta-game that can have many threads that might sometimes be contradictory but which nonetheless is embraced in some kind of whole.

Getting value

 I have a bad habit of spending money on things or asking for things as gifts only to let them languish collecting dust after I get them. Lately this has led to some thoughts about value. There are several levels to this thought.

The first level is that as I mention I would like to get more value out of the things I have collected whatever they may be or subscriptions to websites etc. This goes along with the desire to spend less time journaling that I have talked about before. I would like to spend more time actually getting value out of stuff.

The second level is within games. Basically being more value conscious in the games I play such as chess where one values pieces or a position. But also in all the games. Value is also a big concept in Magic. But really all games involve considerations of value. I would like to make an effort to get more value from my pieces in the games I play.

Lastly there is the level of getting value from my experience. I have in mind both my real world experience but also my experience in the world of games both in terms of games and gaming in general but also with specific games like chess or magic.

I feel this is a shift in how I have considered things. I guess in the past I have had some type of hoarder mentality where I have a tendency to hoard stuff but without making use of it. So this is probably not going to be an overnight change, it will probably be gradual but I guess this is a statement of intention.