The Gentle Path

 So, I feel better when I have some kind of ambition in my life and am taking definite steps to work on it. I also care about games. I would like to be good at games. The problem is that I have had an ambition like this for a long time. And in fact I have a long history of creating projects for myself that I don't see to completion. So what is going on with this? If I have ambition and I care, why don't I succeed? I think there are two key issues.

1. I don't practice enough.
2. I am very fickle. I change my goals and move from one thing to another a lot.

So what is going on with these? For number one, basically I am not very disciplined. In fact I am quite undisciplined. If I don't totally feel like doing something then basically I won't do it. Often the feeling that I should do something just compounds the problem. For number two I feel like it has a lot to do with meeting resistance. I want to do difficult things but when I meet resistance I lose my motivation and something else will seem more fun.

Basically I have known these things for a long time about myself. I have tried to change them but I have failed. I have also gone in the opposite direction. I have thought something like these are just natural features of my character and there is nothing I can do to change them so I just shouldn't have ambitions. But the problem is that I am ambitious and I keep coming back to the fact that I want to "get good".

So what is the problem? Right now I think the problems is basically some unreasonable expectations. Basically I know that I am undisciplined and that I lack "stick to itness". But my solutions have basically all been some variety of "I will just flip a switch and they will go away". Basically I felt that if I cared enough I could just will my way through them. This is kind of the idea that Wetzell takes in his "Chess Master at Any Age" book. He basically says that motivation directly leads to discipline. I disagree with this. Basically these character defects in me are quite ingrained and quite resistant to change. So setting unreasonable goals and then just deciding somehow that I will really do it this time doesn't work.

So what is the solution? I think the answer is that I need to be more gentle with myself. This may seem counter-intuitive. We often think that like harsh punishment is more likely to accomplish the result of correcting behavior. But I think the solution is to be more forgiving of myself. This has several ideas

1. Set reasonable goals. Basically one of my problems is that I set these very unreasonable goals of an amount of work that I will. Often when it is time to do the work it seems very daunting and I don't want to do it. I have had some success lately with maintaining a streak on chess tempo (a chess tactics problem website). Basically this has been because I have only really been trying to keep the streak. This only involves doing one problem a day and it counts whether you get the problem right or wrong. There was only one day where I abused this by purposely failing a problem quickly just to keep the streak alive. Some days I feel like doing more problems and so I do but I don't make that a requirement. So I think this setting reasonable goals goes for working on my character defects. I can't overcome them all in one go. I have to gradually improve. Setting a pretty easy goal like doing one tactic problem a day is a good start.
2. Be forgiving of myself. I think another issue is black and white thinking. If I don't meet my goal for one day then I think I have failed and I give up. With this streak on chess tempo I did miss one day which reset the streak on the site. But I only missed one day and I got back to it. I think that is progress. I have a chess book that I started recently. It takes some effort to work on and after a few days I didn't really feel like working on it. But I have kept the book out. And today I am feeling more like working on it. In the past I would think that I had failed so I wouldn't go back to it.
3. Work on improving slowly. One major problem for me is my chaotic lifestyle. I have a lot of trouble keeping a regular schedule or diet. I also don't get enough exercise. And I often get on a nocturnal schedule where I am up all night and asleep during the day. Basically I think these issues cause me a lot of problems in terms of mental health and discipline because I have problems with feeling low energy and basically bad. I think if I could maintain greater discipline in these issues I would probable feel better mentally and then I would probably not suffer from "not feeling like it" so much. My friend is coming for a visit. This is a strong motivation to get my sleep schedule in order. So I am trying to get on a day schedule. This had to be a sudden change but I am not trying to revolutionize my diet at the same time.
4. Give myself credit for the success. It is tempting to dismiss the chess tempo streak because it is just one problem a day. But it is an improvement. It is success in terms of being more regular and practicing daily. In the same period I have been making moves in 5 daily games. I haven't timed out or quit even though my chess motivation has waned. That is progress. The task of improving seems much more manageable because I have these successes going for me right now.
   

 So I think basically this is the key. I recognize that I have these character defects of lack of discipline and quitting too easily. So I just have to work on improving them slowly by practicing as much as I am able, not condemning myself if I revert to old behaviors and giving myself credit for my successes. 

So I want to get better at games but I am not putting any specific goals or any time frames. I think if I am able to address the lack of practice and the quitting then I will improve. I would like to have a better lifestyle. The schedule change of getting back on a day schedule is a big step. I will try to build on that gradually to improve my mental health. That should help with some of the energy and motivation problems. It is very hard to feel motivated when I am tired. If I can manage my sleep schedule so I feel tired less then I will probably have more motivation to do stuff even if it is challenging. I also won't force myself if I really don't feel like doing something.

Stay tuned to see how these ideas play out!